idk

they say God is love...
so how could we possibly love?

the one who controls the universe
the greatest power above all being

He is love
yet love is what we crave the most

So how could we possibly love without him?

Our bodies aren't mortal
Our minds are all twisted

And yet we try to love on our own

We break hearts
Play with emotions

We build up a love
Through hugs and romance

Then we tear it down
forgetting trust and accusing

We set ourselves up
for a heart thats constantly missing

We get stuck in the past
remembering only the good

Going insane from the memories
Wanting those feelings again

We forget the hurt
that created the end

So we end up loving
through hate

Cuz love without God
is not how He intended it

So how could we possibly love
if we aren't with him?

just a thought

I miss God.... it's been a while since I've felt him in my life. Mainly my fault. I haven't been praying, haven't been going to church, and rarely including him in my thoughts. I used to have such strong faith, well, so I thought I did. I used to try to improve myself, try to understand how He wanted me to be. But lately, I've just been living in the world and that's it. I try to think back and figure out why things changed. But I only draw blanks. I don't know why I cut him off. I sometimes talk to him... but when I do, it's only a word or two. When I'm worried for someone, I beg him to let them be okay. When I'm in a rut, I plead out for what I should do. But that's about the extent of it. I know he's there. I know he's still waiting for me... What's holding me back? I don't know.

bored...

There comes a time
when all the things you pushed aside
come back and affect you

there comes a time
when all the things you tried to hide
come out and swallow you

there comes a time
when the joys you brought to light
turn around and deceive you

there comes a time
when all the things you did right
get lost behind you

there comes a time
when the tears in your eyes
dry up just to mock you

there comes a time
when even the sky
loses its beauty above you

there comes a time
when your love inside
overwhelms everything in you

but there comes a time
when you just say goodbye
to the darkness that surrounds you

cant explain

sometimes, I don't realize how much I'm hurting. I push my pain aside and into the back of my mind, that I completely forget about it. I live day to day, feeling happy and surrounded by people. But when I'm alone, I feel like I'm forgetting something. I'm forgetting to heal. And it's because I'm not quite sure what I'm suppose to be healing. Maybe I really do regret most things that I do. Maybe I really was affected by the things that had happened. Maybe I'm missing how close I used to be... Maybe I just need to cry to get the feeling out of me. When I try to think of the source, my brain feels blocked. It's like I can't think past what I need to do for the day. It's the deeper things that affect the soul... that I struggle to feel.

what my parents don't realize

Every time they threaten to kick me out. or tell me that they're glad I don't live with them. or tell me to go live with the other parent. it hurts my heart. a lot.... It sucks to not feel wanted. They say they love me...but yet they're so quick to say hurtful things........ is wanting to be wanted so awful?

I realized something

Do you know those one sided relationships? The ones where only one person is putting forth any effort. Only one person is trying to make it work. How bad they make you feel when you realize that you're the only one trying to keep things together.

When we sin, that's the kind of relationship we create with God.

He loves us unconditionally. No matter how wrong we do, he still loves us.

But when we do wrong, we aren't showing him that we love Him too.

God is putting forth all the effort, and we are the ones leaving it one sided.

That's why we should want to do good. So we can keep the relationship equal.

Relationships only work, if both parties want it to.

God is always doing his part. So we need to as well (:

i cant help but cry

Father in Heaven,

Today, I pray for my family. That they may receive all the joy and happiness you have prepared for their lives. Let them know that I love them, as you do.


In Jesus' name, amen.

Psalm 25

To you, O Lord, I lift up my soul;
in you I trust, O my God.
Do not let me be put to shame,
nor let my enemies triumph over me.
No one whose hope is in you
will ever be put to shame,
but they will be put to shame
who are treacherous without excuse.

Show me your ways, O Lord,
teach me your paths;
guide me in your truth and teach me,
for you are God my Savior,
and my hope is in you all day long.

Remember, O Lord, your great mercy and
love,
for they are from of old.
Remember not the sins of my youth
and my rebellious ways;
according to your love remember me,
for you are good, O Lord.

Good and upright is the Lord;
therefore he instructs sinners in his ways.
He guides the humble in what is right
and teaches them his way.
All the ways of the Lord are loving and
faithful
for those who keep the demands of his covenant.
For the sake of your name, O Lord,
forgive my iniquity, though it is great.
Who, then, is the man that fears the Lord?
He will instruct him in the way chosen for him.
He will spend his days in prosperity,
and his descendants will inherit the land.
The Lord confides in those who fear him;
he makes his covenant known to them.
My eyes are ever on the Lord,
for only he will release my feet from the snare.

Turn to me and be gracious to me,
for I am lonely and afflicted.
The troubles of my heart have multiplied;
free me from my anguish.
Look upon my affliction and my distress
and take away all my sins.
See how my enemies have increased
and how fiercely they hate me!
Guard my life and rescue me;
let me not be put to shame,
for I take refuge in you.
May integrity and uprightness protect me,
because my hope is in you.

Redeem Israel, O God,
from all their troubles!

-------------------------------------------------

(Redeem (me), O God,
from all (my) troubles...)

im all youtube'd out haha

I just keep finding amazing people! This dude has, hands down, the best voice I have ever heard. I just love it. and he told me to spread the love, so I am(:

Walls Kids

Using their gifts to praise God, just amazing!! I love the little dude's voice, but they all are great! Makes my heart happy to listen to them (: God bless.

                                (they start singing like 30 seconds in lol)

my poem

Pleasing everyone
Comes back to get you
Pleasing yourself
Turns everyone against you


Hurt feelings
Can't be avoided
Others' or your's?
Only one can be avoided


People attack 
As if you don’t feel it
Point out flaws
As if you needed to hear it


Trusted ones
Now tell everyone
Special ones
Now become everyone


People speak
As if they know
Words spread
As if the world should know


Faces judge
Thinking their better
Noses up
Knowing they are better


Fake greetings
With hello’s and smiles
True valedictions 
Loose talk and faded smiles


Loneliness hurts
Wanting someone there
People hurt worse
Wishing no one was there


Valley’s purpose
Unclear to the mind
God’s will
Too unknown for the mind


Decisions
Faced with every day
Choices
Made throughout the day


Needing escape
But can't get out
Needing help
To find a way out


Turn to yourself
And you'll get nowhere
Turn to family
And you'll get somewhere


But turn to God
And you'll get everywhere


Decide
How you want to be
Choose
How you’ll get to be

valleys

Last Sunday, I watched Dr. Charles Stanley on TV with my family. He gave a sermon about the purpose of the 'valleys' in life. The valleys are the struggles we go through. (Anything that makes us feel like there is no hope or brings us heartache or distress.)

Often, during times like this, we ask God "why me?" or "how could you let this happen?" We blame him. When really, God does have a purpose for our valleys.

When we are in the 'peaks' (the good times where we feel a sense of completeness since everything is going right) we don't realize that we can be even better.(a higher peak)

So, God gives us valleys to go through so we can get knocked down and become closer to Him. This way he can help us get back up an bring us to an even higher peak.

I hope this is making sense, I realized it's easier to understand then it is to explain. (:

The length of our valleys, depend on how long we allow ourselves to go through them without God.

He doesn't give us hardships as a way of punishment, he gives them to us because he wants to be close to us. We don't learn from the peaks, we learn from the valleys. It is there, where we grow. We have to understand that we do need God.

I really related to this sermon because even though I've had a lot of valleys in life, some of the recent ones I really benefited from. I got suspended one time, and I swear, it was the best thing that ever happened to me. Because, it was in that time where I felt really close to my Heavenly Father. The dean at my school was telling me all about him, and my dad was too, and I just really learned a lot about his Grace and about his nature. I felt amazing, because a lot of my energy was being focused on God. And I knew he was always going to be there for me.

If you are going through a valley, remember, it doesn't last forever. Ask God to help you. And you will have a happiness, better then before.

my dad

The summer of 2007 was probably one of the most heartbreaking summers I've ever had. My stepdad and I never really got along. But it seemed like after we moved to Burlington, things just got worse. I'll never forget that night. My mom told me to turn the light off in the hallway and I said no since I had already gotten myself in bed. She kept asking and I kept saying no. Then my mom got up all mad an turned the light off herself, really pissed that I made her do it. As soon as my stepdad came storming into my room I started yelling at him to get out. I used to get pains in my stomach everytime he came in, because I knew once he was there, things were going to get 100x worse. I wanted to talk to my mom about it, not him. And yet, he still stood there yelling at me as if he knew everything. I hated that. The situation escalated and I went to sleep downstairs in my brother's room. It was there, where my mom came in and said (in not the nicest of tones) "I can't take this anymore, you're going to live with your dad, just like you've always wanted." I cried the rest of the night.

I wasn't very old then, and I felt like I wasn't wanted. It hurt more then anything to be told that I had to leave. For years my mom would always say in arguments that she would choose me over Steve anyday. And in that moment, I felt like she lied. For she chose him over me. I know I wasn't the greatest of kids. I should have done what I was told more. But there I was leaving, while he got to stay.

But, God is amazing. For I truly believe that all the bull crap I went through with Steve for all those years, I had to go through to get to that moment. For God knew that I needed to be with my daddy. So I could be with Him.

My dad is probably the greatest man I know. He was deep into sin and still he was able to get out and find God. I can't even express how much hope that gives me. I feel as though he is often misjudged. I didn't like living with my mom in Idaho because her husband would always say mean things about my dad. He judged him for his past, not even knowing the person he is today. I can't talk to my mom how I do with my dad.With my mom, I feel as though she's disappointed in me since im no longer LDS. But with my dad, he's proud of me for finally wanting to know the truth. He knows where I want to be in life regarding my spiritual salvation, because he's been through that journey already.

The day where my dad actually came to pick me up to go live with him, I remember being in his car. I was scared to death because I wanted to tell him something but I didn't know if he would be mad or how he would react. So I asked him, "do you believe the church is true?" I knew he wasn't a member, but still I wanted to know.. He said something along the lines of "no, why? do you?" and I said with the worst guilt, "not really..." back then, I used to think I would go to Hell if I denied the mormon teachings. So it was really hard for me to admit that. But my dad, he was happy that I said it. He told me that he would always pray for us so that we would be able to get out of that religion. So we could learn the real truth about Jesus.

I feel the closest to my dad because he's the only one who actually tries to understand me. I love how he knows the answers to all my questions and how he's helping me find God. He loves me despite all the mistakes I make and he lets me make decisions for myself. We do fight a lot, but we always make up right after because we both realize we don't want to be like that. I feel as though, my dad and I are almost the same person. We act and think a lot alike. The dean of student success at my old school told me that I was very lucky to have a father like him. He's educated and knows God. He's right, I am very lucky. I wouldn't trade my dad for anybody. God knew that i would need him and that's why he's my dad.

I love him.

"there is no one like our God"

I love this song so much.

My dad always says,
it's not about what you want to do with your life,
its about what God calls you to do with your life.
I don't know what I'm called to do just yet.
But I have big dreams to make a difference in this world.